Young Writers Society

I really like the concept of your poem. Some of thing things you say in it remind of how I feel sometimes.

Some of the lines confused me a bit, like the line about the teddy bear. I didn't really know what you meant by it.

My favorite part is when you talk about the messy room and how it symbolizes the narrator's mind. I definitly feel like that all the time.

Your poem is excellent!! Keep writing!

I agree with the punctuation, there needs to be some.
The poem has a good rhythmic pattern.

I really like the last line,
about what's on your mind?
don't you just hate that question?

Personally, I never answer,
simply a "nothing" suffices,
but if I had to say anything,
I might quote this poem.

Needs a little work,
but overall is pretty neat.
Kept me interested
[without getting A.D.D.].

Personally,
I think it's relatable [not really a word.]

I think it just needs a good edit clean,
but I really like it.

Brown Eyed Girl wrote:My ceiling has a pattern in it,
Or so it seems to me,
Like fury* of a teddy bear
Or a tune in a melody.
Sleepless nights sure do make you think
Of how the world changes so,
Of the places I long to see,
And the people I’d love to know.
I look around me at the things I have.
The mess to me seems almost symbolic.
Maybe its shows the state of my head
Of how I’d love to be careless, which seems ironic.
I miss people—
The people who can no longer be around.
Life is never quite the same.
It feels like I’m lost and waiting to be found.
I wish I knew who I could really trust.
Everyone’s lied to me for so long,
Laughing at my jokes
And never telling me when I’m wrong.
I wish I didn’t feel like a fool all the time
When people call me selfish and rude
And say how I’ve changed
Or how I never shake off my terrible mood.
I think way too much,
I care what people say,
(And) worry how I might not get where I want
Or that I’ll never get laid!
So when people ask me
If there's something on my mind,
I laugh to myself
And say ‘Now, how would that be defined?!’

Welcome to YWS

On a structural level, this poem isn't too bad. Your rhyming is fairly smooth, and you only break rhythm in a few places. You might want to go through and smooth out some of the longer lines, to help with the flow, but otherwise it's pretty sound.

That said, there are a few things that bother me. Firstly, punctuation. I'm losing count of how many times I've said this today, lol, but punctuation is just as important in poetry as in prose, if not more so - it directs the reader, facilitates understanding and adds meaning to the poem. Yours basically has none, and it needs it. Can you imagine trying to read all that in one breath, for starters?!

Secondly, it really doesn't offer much to the reader, I'm afraid. In fact, it borders on what I'd call navel-gazing because full appreciation of its meaning and context is confined to the poet alone. You're telling us a lot about your hopes and fears, but we're on the outside looking in - there's no attempt made to connect with the reader and cause them to feel the same way the poet does, which is what (in my opinion) the best poetry aims to do. Next time, perhaps experiment with some similes and metaphors, play with a few ideas that cater to the reader's senses and get them involved.

Overall, not bad but it could use some work. If you have any questions or need any help around the site, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods - we're always happy to answer questions. Keep writing

Cheers,
~bubbles